An ER Visit with an antegender child

 Going to the ER because your baby has a 104° fever is enough to worry about on its own. When you have a child without an assigned sex medical situations become even more stressful. Doctor's offices are some of the most strenuous  places for a gender-open parent due to aggressive gender assumptions involved needlessly in multiple steps of the process.

When we first checked in at the ER the woman behind the desk asked us Sparrow's name and birthday. We answered. She then asked, "Boy or girl?" We stared at her for a moment, then she said insistently, "Is the baby a boy or a girl?" We looked at each other confused, then replied, "the baby doesn't have a gender."

The woman began to raise her voice. She aggressively repeated her question over-and-over. She never made further clarifications or rephrased. I sputtered out different attempts to answer. I clarified that the baby did not have a gender marker on their birth certificate. I provided the insurance card and said they were welcome to use whatever marker was in the insurance system. None of that was sufficient.

"I need to know if the baby is a boy or a girl or I can't check you in." She spat. "I don't know what to tell you." I finally said. She loudly remarked to us/the room that she needed to get someone to handle the situation. The woman called over an RN, and while pointing to us with accusation said, "These people won't tell me if the baby is a boy or a girl!"

Now through all of this I'm still wearing my 11 month old who has a fever of 104 despite an icepack between them and the carrier to try and keep them cool. I was anxious that we would be denied care if we were deemed resistant. So when the RN turned to me and asked me if Sparrow had a [type of genitalia] I relented and answered.

I did this because the question was not about Sparrow's gender but exclusively about their anatomy. While I feel that it is medically irrelevant to know what genitals my child has to treat an ear infection, at least there is an answer to that question. Unlike the question the desk woman had bombarded us with.

The RN rolled his eyes, as if to express his frustration at us being difficult for no reason. He looked at the desk woman and said, "Just put [gender associated with genital type]." I was insulted and frustrated. I also decided that the priority was Sparrow's medical care. So I bit my tongue and we finished registration.

We got through initial vital taking with a well-meaning nurse aggressively gendered Sparrow. We were then taken to a room and again more staff used gender terms and nicknames even in our brief encounters. My partner and I grit our teeth and just tried to get settled. When alone we processed our anger and hurt feelings and how we had been treated in the lobby.

A woman from registration named Alecia came in. She got our information and entered it on her computer. I clarified to her that the baby did not have an assigned sex or gender and that we use they/them pronouns for Sparrow. She said nothing specifically about it but affirmed that she had heard and understood.

While the doctor who saw us did misgender Sparrow using binary pronouns, he was only in once. The next nurse who came in the rest of the time started to use binary pronouns for Sparrow but for some reason caught himself. He stopped and instead used only Sparrow’s name throughout the entire time we were there (which was over 4 hours.) We noticed and were confused but appreciative.

After getting properly treated, with the fever down and a bunch of prescriptions to fill we were ready for discharge. The same woman who did our intake paperwork returned. She got the necessary information to discharge us. I then worked up the nerve and asked who I needed to speak to to file a complaint.

Alecia asked me what happened and I explained about the woman that had berated us in the lobby. She seemed genuinely concerned and confirmed how inappropriate that has been. Her face shifted to one of frustration as she said, “It doesn't even make any sense why she would do that because we have other options in the system. After you told me about the baby I went back into the records and fixed it. I changed it to ‘unknown’ and made a note.”

We profusely thanked her and shared with her how grateful we were that she was understanding and respectful. She told us excitedly that she was all for giving children space to discover themselves. She explained that she had been learning about gender issues only recently from YouTube videos and articles. I encouraged her to follow my page on Facebook.

Alicia called her supervisor and I explained to him the same thing I told her. He was receptive and agreed that the woman in the lobby needed to be retrained on all the options for gender markers the hospital had as well as how to handle matters like that with respect. We mentioned intersex and transgender individuals as other communities who would be negatively impacted by being questioned aggressively and publically like that.

So overall our visit to the ER what's a roller coaster. We had one really bad episode, multiple typical encounters, and then a few genuinely positive. This story is a good example of the difficulties we face because of the choices we have made. It is also an example of why and how we pick the opportunities we do to be visible and vocal versus when we choose to be unobtrusive.